These days I feel like I'm just holding on by a thread. What frustrates me the most is that there is no apparent reason for this and I have not yet figured out the remedy. Definitely thankfulness for my blessings, prayer, and reading God's Word help me get through the day and keep me feeling hopeful, but I still haven't been able to completely "cure" the fragile feelings I've been dealing with lately. Certainly our family is in a time of transition, but things are not "that bad", so I'm finding myself frustrated with the fact that I feel so fragile these days. Our current situation is that we are still waiting to hear about a job my husband applied for way back in May. I have come to realize that I am not a very patient person. In the meantime, he is working on the farm for our parents. I am trying not to think too much about where we will be in the next few months as that is very much up in the air right now. The options right now range from getting this job we are waiting to hear about and staying where we are (most comfortable option), moving and going back to university (not quite so comfortable), getting a different job and moving *anywhere* in the country (completely uncomfortable option).
The summer is flying by, even though most days feel as though they are dragging on. It saddens me to think that I have spent most of my summer wasting time stressing instead of enjoying it to its fullest. This is partly why we are planning on taking the kids "camping" at our parents' farm for a night or two. I honestly need to get away from my house, the constant mess & stress, and take some time to just have fun with my kids...all without spending much money on an expensive trip.
I am now 15 weeks along and have my first midwife appointment this week. This pregnancy has been an "interesting" one for me as I feel ridiculously more emotional this time around. Also, my head is in a constant fog and I honestly would spend all day sleeping if I could. It seems as though my energy is completely gone. I am hoping that will improve soon as feeling constantly fatigued and sleepy is difficult with 2 young ones under foot. One of the things that comes along with pregnancy for me is very nasty headaches. I never, ever had a migraine until I was pregnant with Elianna. I rarely get headaches when I'm not pregnant, but now I have one nearly constantly. I have felt very unlike myself this time, and the only way I can seem to describe it to my husband is that I feel like I'm just a shell, wandering around. Sounds sad, I know, but that's the best way to describe this fog I feel like I'm constantly in. I have heard that the hormonal changes that come with pregnancy can sometimes cause depression and what not, so perhaps that, along with the stage of life we are in, is contributing to my "hanging on by a thread" feeling.
Despite the mess I feel like, I am grateful to still be able to smile and laugh throughout the day. Nathanael is talking so much more lately, and the most adorable thing in the world is when he says "okay, Mama". The kids seem to go through phases of fighting and getting along, but lately they have been playing well together overall and now that they can "communicate", it's really the sweetest thing to watch. Oh yes, there are moments of squabbles, but more often than not, they are loving on each other in the cutest way. Nathanael was sick this week, and Elianna kept talking about her "poor little friend" and asking him to come snuggle on the couch with her so she could watch a movie or "read" some books to him.
I still have hopes of starting Pre-K homeschool soon, but I really thought I'd be further along in getting my act together than I have been. I'm trying to show myself grace when I don't get as much done as I hope to these days.
I did have a stroke of genius today and saved myself a lot of time in the kitchen. With our stricter grocery budget comes more making things from scratch (baking, yogurt, etc.). I had planned on making bread, buns, and muffins this week. I was making my usual recipe for buns (makes about 5 dozen), which is a very easy recipe, when the thought occurred to me to make buns, bread, and cinnamon rolls from that one batch of dough. I really didn't need 5 dozen buns, so instead I made 2 dozen buns, one pan of cinnamon rolls, and 2 loaves of bread. Yes...I sure do love my convection oven - what a time saver! I wasn't sure exactly how they would all turn out, but everything turned out well except for one loaf of bread that fell a bit in the oven. I'm glad to have most of the baking over with for the week now, and muffins are very quick to whip up, without much mess involved.
With the baking extravaganza over, my kitchen is now a disaster. My goal is to make a quick supper for me and the kiddos (probably just some pizza buns & veggies & dip) and then finish my cleaning/laundry marathon before the kiddos get to bed. I'm aiming for a quiet evening and an early bedtime tonight :-)