Being a mother is hard work. I truly had no idea just how difficult this job would be at times. I must admit that I am struggling lately with exhaustion and just an overwhelming feeling of complete inadequacy. I have a fussy baby. No, he's not colicky - just fussy. And he does not sleep. Well not very much, anyway. 45 minutes at a time is typical. 2 - 3 hours of consecutive sleep? Unheard of for the past month or so. I truly feel like I'm mothering (every time I go to type this, I type "mothing" !) in the trenches these days. I'm surely not the only mother who's ever felt this way. I am up over 10 times between midnight and 4:30 a.m. many nights. Of course, just as Nathanael is falling asleep, I hear Elianna call for me, "Mom, mom, I'm thirsty. Mom, I'm cold. Can you tuck my toes in?"....Finally after an hour or so, she's back to sleep and by that time Nathanael is crying again, so I just crash with Nathanael in bed around 4:30 a.m., falling asleep for the first time and sleep till about 7:30 a.m. That's typical these days. Oh dear. I just realized that I'm complaining...oops...sorry about that :-).
There are many moments these days that I'd like to just bury my head under the covers and have a good cry out of sheer exhaustion and desperation.
I feel like I'm just coasting along, trying to survive this phase of life. I would much prefer to be thriving rather than just surviving.
I'm aware that time is passing by much too quickly, and I feel like I'm not 100% totally here as a mother & wife, if you know what I mean. It's not a good thing. I need to be here for my kids & husband. Not just physically, but mentally & emotionally. I need to be 100% here.
Writing this post is not that easy. I mean, I'd like to pretend I'm a fantastic wife & mother and have it all together all the time, but that is definitely not true. Is it okay to admit we are weak and weary? Is it okay to admit that we are sinners under the grace of God who still lose our patience at times and are tempted to sink into self-pity and the occasional feeling of "why me"? Don't get me wrong; I'm not proud of my sin. I certainly believe that if we are living by the power of the Holy Spirit, we Christians will be given strength to be patient, even when we don't feel like it, even when we are so tired. I need grace. I need to to cry out to God for strength and for wisdom. I need to admit that I am NOT a perfect person; I am a desperately needy person.
Psalm 142:6 "Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need..."
And maybe it's okay to be desperately needy...as long as we are desperately needy for the right reasons, and for the right Person. It is often in the times of desperation that the Lord teaches me and reminds me just how desperately I need HIM.
And do I ever need Him.
I need His friendship when I feel like no one understands what I'm going through.
I need His mercy when I lose my patience and speak harsher than I should.
I need His eternal perspective when I'm wading through the piles of laundry, dishes, and dirty diapers.
I need His wisdom when I'm unsure how to train & teach my kids.
I need His discipline when I become me-focused and act selfishly.
I need His words to penetrate my heart when I lie awake worrying how I'll get through tomorrow..."do not worry about tomorrow..."
I need His servant-heart to remind me to put others before myself.
I need His joy in the morning to radiate through me when I feel fatigued and grumpiness starts setting in.
I need His potter hand to mold me and shape me into the woman He wants me to be.
I need Him.
Jesus is everything to me.
And I am desperately needy for Him.
That's what's been on my heart lately.
Keep fighting the good fight, my dear sisters.