My blog posts have been reduced to mostly menu plans lately. This isn't because I have nothing else to blog about. In fact, I have more to blog about these days than ever before. It's just that I'm not quite sure I want to lay it all out there for the whole world to read, which is why I haven't been blogging much lately. So much of what I have swirling around in my brain is just far too complicated and personal to write about on here. And I might as well forget trying to formulate my jumbled up thoughts and feelings in a way that is coherent and concise! - That is simply beyond my pregnant self's brain capacity these days :-).
We are nearly the time when another major decision will have to be made. Family and friends have been very supportive, which we are incredibly grateful for. It is nearly impossible, however, to explain just how stressful this whole ordeal has been. Whichever decision we end up making will have huge consequences for our family, whether it be financially, personally, or professionally. The past 6 months have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. One day I'll feel optimistic and hopeful...like we have some sort of logical, plan and a sense of the Lord's direction. Then, the next day we receive some news that throws us for a curve ball... neither a "no" nor a "yes" but rather has us shaking us heads in confusion, wondering, "Huh? What does that mean? Is that a no or a yes? Now what?"
Frankly, I'm a a bit of a mess. Here I am at 28 weeks pregnant, and other than the glaring signs that I am indeed pregnant, I haven't even had a chance to really think about the fact that I'm growing a baby, much less enjoy the thought. We live in a community where gossip spreads quickly and most people know of most everybody. I dread going to the grocery store or to the doctor's office because I'm bound to run into someone I know, and I just feel so awkward talking to people these days. I feel strongly the Lord reminding me to think "day by day" rather than think too much about the future. Over and over I read things like "Give us this day our daily bread", "Do not worry about tomorrow". Thinking about the future, even 1 month from now, overwhelms and paralyzes me. Some days it excites me, but mostly it overwhelms me.
We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5
I do not think I have yet learned how to truly glory in tribulations or rejoice in suffering. Regardless of my feelings in the moment, God's Word tells me that trials are good for me. Thus, I will choose to believe it. My heart may deceive me, but His Word is truth.
