When Trials Come

I found myself singing this song yesterday and I had to stop vacuuming because I was bawling my eyes out (nothing new these days). I know in the end all the pain, trials, and suffering will be worth it all. I don't know for sure, but I believe all the trials that we've been going through lately are either a huge test of faith, a spiritual attack that God has allowed, or both. God is faithful. He is good. It is true that in the pain God draws near. I have no idea about the pictures that go with the song, but I like this version of it. Here are the lyrics to the song. I hope it's okay to post the lyrics here. They are by Keith and Kristyn Getty, but I'm not sure if Kristyn is singing on the video because it's a slightly different version than the one I have on cd.

When Trials Come

When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace
The breath of God brings strength to me
And new each morning mercy flows
As treasures of the darkness grow
As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to wisdom not my own
For every battle You have known
My confidence will rest in You
Your love endures Your ways are good
Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in it’s shadow I shall run
Till You completes the work begun
Till You completes the work begun

One day all things will be made new
I’ll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old

Keith & Kristyn Getty
Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music

Fear

I struggle with whether or not I should be this honest and type out all my feelings for the world to read, but the truth is, I'm a Christian saved by grace who still struggles. I still sin. The power of sin is broken, but I still sin. I'm definitely not perfect, and I really don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be fake and pretend I've always got my act together in the midst of the most difficult time I've ever been through when the truth is I do not have it all together all the time. Not even close.

I'm just going to lay it out out there today. Here it goes.

I am seriously trying to not freak out. Today I am majorly struggling with fear. And yes, fear is of the Devil. I know that. I know the truth, but I am still a sinful human being and am struggling with the temptation, nonetheless. I have fear of not knowing what is wrong with me, fear of not knowing what is wrong with our daughter, fear that I have something serious that the doctors aren't figuring out soon enough, fear that I might have cancer, fear that I might drop dead any day if they don't figure it out soon, which would leave my husband alone to care for our daughter, fear that the worst is yet to come, fear that I still feel pretty awful and my symptoms are still very typical of leukemia. Fear, fear, fear. In fact, now with my swollen lymph nodes and not really having any other signs of actual illness other than feeling generally terrible, I have just one more symptom of leukemia I didn't have 2 days ago. It doesn't help that I know for a fact one week ago, leukemia was high on the list of possibilities with my then-high white blood cell count. In fact, doctors were kind of freaking out, mentioning things such as a bone marrow test, and that was, in turn, freaking me out. Oh, and let's not forget the resident doctor who, after hearing me explain how I was feeling, looked at me and coldly said, "Did you google that or something, because that's just too textbook leukemia." Of course, I'm pretty sure she thought I was a drug addict looking for pain meds because that was my only main complaint at the moment and she treated me just awful and couldn't even feel the lumps on my legs because she didn't take the time to properly examine me ("Lumps? What lumps?"). I wanted to holler, "I DON'T WANT A PILL. I WANT ANSWERS!" I know my body pretty well, and I just know something is not right. I just know it. I don't know what's wrong, but I know something's wrong, and I am desperate for answers.

I feel like I just can't get answers no matter how hard I try. I feel like the doctors aren't taking me as seriously as they should be, and I just want to tell them, "Listen! SOMETHING is WRONG with me!" But it seems like all I can get is, "It's weird. Who knows?" Please don't get me wrong, I am thankful for our doctors and I know they are a whole lot smarter than me, but sometimes I expect them to know more than they know and that is not fair to them. The one thing I do ask is that they take me seriously and try their best. I do think that finally some of them are taking me seriously.

Oh, and I'm told it can't be leukemia now because my white blood cell count it normal. That is the only reason they are no longer considering it, as far as I know. I believed that one at first and thought, "that makes sense" until my husband, a very intelligent medical professional, looked up leukemia in his medical textbooks and found out that in fact you can have a low, high, or normal white blood cell count in leukemia. Part of the reason I'm getting worried again is because of my tachycardia (high heart rate). Pretty sure getting worried and having tachycardia is not the best plan. Ha! I thought that this, along with my normal cbc's, was the reason the doctors are no longer thinking leukemia. Turns out that as I look up causes for tachycardia, it's again a classic sign of leukemia. WHAT?? I think I need to stop googling my symptoms. And yes, I told that resident doctor of course I researched my symptoms. Who wouldn't when you haven't got any answers from the medical professionals? Are you telling me that if you were going through this, you wouldn't look up in your medical textbooks to try to figure out what's wrong with you?? Pretty much I have every single symptom of leukemia except the abnormal blood count, which, like I mentioned before, can be normal in some leukemia patients. I am ready to get a second opinion again (make that a 4th or 5th opinion). Is it bad of me to hope that these swollen lymph nodes in my neck and everywhere else develop into a virus or something so that I have an excuse to go back to the doctor to seek more answers? It's scaring me that I have all these swollen lymph nodes but no sore throat, no fever yet, and no cough/head cold, etc. If it would just develop into something, I could go back to the doctor, but instead here I am waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for my results, waiting to see if I get worse or better, waiting for our daughter's results, waiting for that phone to ring, waiting for my next medical appointment, waiting to see if I am actually sick or not so our daughter can then maybe come back home. I guess I need to learn patience. And as I type this out, the Lord brings this verse to mind:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.1 John 4:18

No matter what I may feel, the above passage is truth, and I am thankful for that.

Assist / A Cyst

Well I'll just start off by being honest and tell you that today started off as a pretty crummy (or should that be "crumb-y"?) day. However, in the midst of much crumminess, some of those crumbs turned out to be rather sweet, so stay with me here.

Rewind to last night where I spent a couple of hours being up with our crying daughter, who did not have a very good night at all. After some gripe water and tylenol, she finally cried it out a bit and went to bed. We were worried at first that she might be sick because she was SO crabby, but she seems okay now, just a bit grumpy.

I started out this morning with a doctor's appointment and found out that the ct scan of my stomach and pelvis discovered a 4cm cyst on one of my ovaries (You probably didn't really care to know that, but I figure you might as well). Thing is, it probably isn't related to any of the other symptoms I have other than some pain I've been experiencing in my lower right side the last of couple days. It's probably just one more thing to add to the list of my medical problems. Now I have an ultrasound scheduled in January, so they can figure out what exactly to do with it and if it should be removed. My family doctor agreed that all these things have gone beyond "just" stress-related and that there are other things going on. On top of it all, I have swollen glands and lymph nodes now, which is indicative of either a virus or infection brewing in my body, or, it is possibly part of my mystery diagnosis. The doctor is pretty sure I'm coming down with something, but we kind of have to wait and see what it is yet before I get started on antibiotics. (As the doctor has said, something is messing me up BIG time). Normally this would be no big deal, but with our daughter's health problems and not being sure what she has yet, we have to be extra cautious about her being around sick people (at least until they figure out exactly what she has and if they can treat it). So, she has been shipped off to spend some time with her grandparents while we wait to see if I get better/worse. I'm sure she will have a great time, although I had to warn them that the night might not go so well!

Yep, I miss her like crazy already and want to spend every minute with her since she's not healthy and all, but this is where some of the crumbs turn out to be a bit sweet. As much as I would love to be around her, the truth is that I really need some rest and need to protect her from sickness right now as much as possible. I am SO thankful to have grandparents nearby who can take her for a day or two while I recover and rest at home.

Some more sweetness to this day (those who are "assist"ing us - Lame, I know.)

• We have people helping us out with meals for the next week. Thank you, thank you, thank you to you all! You are a HUGE blessing!
  
• Our neighbour brought us over some yummy chocolate cake
• I am going to try to plan a date night for when my hubby gets home from work this evening. He works late, but with our daughter being at Grandpa and Grandma's, I figure we should chill out a bit, maybe play a game or something. With all the stress of the past 2 months, it feels like we barely talk to each other about anything but our recent "issues." We really just need a little break from it all.
  

Hmm...as I type this out, I am watching Dr. Oz talk about cancer-proofing your life (figured it was probably worth watching considering all my issues. Ha!) He just mentioned beets. I love beets. I'm going to go get me some beets - some cancer-fighting, cancer-preventing beets. Hm...coffee reduces cancer risk, too. Nice! Oh, and open windows are better than closed? Well, I'm outta luck there considering it feels like -20 C with the windchill today. Well, I'm off to read my Bible, and then I think if I feel well enough I might tidy up the house a bit so that I can truly relax and rest (hopefully!) just a little bit this evening.

Summary of the last 2 Days

In the last 48 hours...

I was hospitalized, had a ct scan of my stomach, blood tests, an electrocardiogram and an echocardiogram of my heart
My husband had an endoscopy and surgery
Our daughter had a bone marrow aspiration

(And on a positive note, we are all home tonight)

Bad Results and More Waiting

First...the good news (maybe, more like the Praise News! :-)

• Our daughter's bone marrow test was completed today and she had no problem with the anesthetic and is running around already (with only a slight limp)

• She is home now
• We are all home together for now
  
• My husband, daughter, and in-laws had a safe trip back here in the midst of a winter storm brewing
• I am at home, and pain-wise I'm feeling better
  
• I had my echocardiogram today, have a ct scan of my head tomorrow
  
• We have some awesome family and friends who care about us deeply, love us, and pray for us more than we'll ever know
• We serve the Risen Saviour who grants us strength day by day when we have no strength of our own left
• It's basically a miracle our daughter is still infection-free
  

Now...the bad news (or more like the Prayer News)

• Our daughter's bone marrow test results were not good at all: Basically before the test was done, the doctor told my husband there was a 95% chance that the results would be good, that they would find her neutrophils being destroyed at a later phase, which would mean her immunity wasn't as bad as her blood test shows. This was the expected result. However, our daughter happens to fall into the 5% range in which her neutrophils are destroyed basically immediately, meaning her immunity is even less than expected and meaning there is probably something more serious going on and it may not be chronic benign neutropenia. Update: I think we misunderstood the doctor about this when he first phoned us. I think what he really meant was that she has a very high number of the most immature cells (blast cells) in comparison to the mature cells, which is strange.
  
• This means any bacterial infection could be life-threatening for her (even more so than before)
  
• She's allergic to cephalosporins and penicillins (antibiotics effective in fighting bacterial infections)
  
• This means more waiting and waiting for results, which is very difficult (could be 10 days or so yet)
  
• My head and vision has been feeling pretty funny today, and I'm not sure what's causing it
  

I pretty much don't have the words to say how hard this is for our family. Are we okay? Well, that depends what you mean by that question. Yes, we are "okay" as in we still trust the Lord, we aren't depressed, we take things day by day (more like moment by moment), etc. Are we "okay" as in this is easy, we can do this on our own, we're not tired, we don't need anyone's help or support or prayers. No. In fact, that's a big resounding No. So, if you thought you were through praying for our family, we beg you to please reconsider! And those of you who facebooked me and offered help, well you may be hearing from me soon :-). And am I wondering "why"? Yes, we are wondering why. I'm sure you are all getting sick of all this "bad news" and I don't want to rain on anyone's parade or depress anyone, but this is the reality we are facing (even though it often feels more like a nightmare some days.)

I told the Lord today, He is welcome to come any time. We are ready for the rapture. We are ready to exchange these ragged (albeit young!) bodies for our glorious new ones. That being said, we must still strive to serve the Lord as long as He grants us breath. He obviously has us on this earth still for a reason. We must still give thanks for each day, each moment, He gives us. Today we are home together as a family. We don't know what could happen tomorrow.

Sometimes I might pour my heart out on this blog and it might get a little "raw". I might get more honest than people feel is necessary in today's culture of "Hi, how are you? Fine? You? Fine?" But shouldn't it be okay to be transparent, to not pretend, to get real? Not sure exactly just how "raw" I'll get on here, but I thought I should warn you all just in case.

I'm outta here for now. Time to spend a few precious minutes with my husband. Sad how it takes something like this to make you realize just how precious every moment is.

Home For Now

Ah....home...my favourite place to be. Now if only I could be back to my normal self (vacuuming, bathroom-cleaning, and cooking included) again. Much to my surprise I got discharged from the hospital this afternoon. The main reason for my discharge was because the doctor wanted me to be able to go up for our daughter's bone marrow test. However, because my echocardiogram is being scheduled for tomorrow, I wasn't able to go up anyway. My heart rate is still very high on occasion and my blood pressure low, but other than that, I'm managing okay. So, for now, I will enjoy my own bed while I can! I typed out a long-winded post last night on a different computer, but I think I'll just type out what I can think of right now to catch you all up to speed on the latest craziness in our life.

I was admitted to the hospital on Friday afternoon after seeing a few different doctors and trying to convince them that something was wrong with me. (If you recall, I've been feeling pretty awful for the past month with weird painful lumps, exhaustion, dizziness, and general pain that just kept worsening every day). After a thorough examination, the doctors finally decided that oh yes indeed, something was definitely wrong with me. After a brief leukemia scare, which has now been ruled out ( I think), the question remains: what exactly is wrong? I was put on a heart monitor due to my fluctuating heart rate, which at rest was 127 at times vamping up to 150 when I just got out of bed. I continued to have major leg and ankle pain at times, awful pulsating headaches, occasional tremors, and temperature fluctuations while in the hospital. I was put on all sorts of medication and put through all sorts of tests. Unfortunately, I still remain mystery diagnosis.

This morning my heart rate was steady at about 64 bpm for a little while, which was a really good sign. My heart rate did go up later on in the day, but it was overall much better than it had been the past few days. This morning I had a ct scan done of my abdomen (with the dye...oh that was not the most pleasant experience, let me tell ya!). I also had an electrocardiogram of my heart this morning. Tomorrow I will have an echocardiogram of my heart done. On Wednesday I have a ct scan of my head scheduled. Oh..and I gained at least 10 pounds (no joke) in the hospital these 3 days...lovely. I'm going to blame it on all the awful steroids they had my on plus lying in bed for 3 days straight:-). Pretty sure I can't attribute the weight gain to the gourmet hospital food (although it truly wasn't that bad this time). It was like they put me on these meds and suddenly I was starving all the time.

So, what exactly do they think is wrong?

Well, the doctor thinks that I've had some kind of problem for a long time now, but the stress of everything that's been happening lately just "brought to light" a problem that was already there. (I have a feeling the flu shot didn't help matters, either!) She suspects it could be either my adrenal glands, pituitary glands, thyroid (so an endocrine problem), an autoimmune problem, or possibly neurological problem. ( I think that's in the order from most likely to least likely). See, the weird thing is that when I first went to my family doctor about a month ago and got blood work done, my blood sugar was low, which was weird. We just kind of passed it off as "oh well" no big deal, even though I was pretty sure I had eaten breakfast that morning. I also had a lot of problems with dizziness and low blood pressure when I was pregnant. The reason why an endocrine problem is high on the list of possibilities is because it seems like I'm up and down. No pain, then tons of pain. Cold, then hot. Fairly normal heart rate then sky-high heart rate. Tremors, then no tremors. Feeling okay energy-wise to flat-out exhausted, etc. etc. The doctor is pretty sure my feet and legs have discolouration on them as well. My hands seem to get strange-looking at times, too. She is pretty sure the lumps are just a secondary inflammatory response to whatever is going on.

Anyway, I'm exhausted.I know this has been a very disjointed post, but oh well. I just had a weird pain reaction thing right now in the middle of typing this just before my hubby phoned me. I just talked to him and Bittles is settled in for the night. Hopefully her test will go well tomorrow and they will come home safely tomorrow night. I'm off to take my heart pill and hit the hay. As always, prayers are welcome :-)

I'm in the Hospital

So, here I am in the hospital, typing away on Microsoft Word so that my husband can transfer my post to my blog at home. What a crazy 2 months it has been.First, our daughter got seriously ill and was hospitallized twice, seen be a few doctors and specialist, and is now having a bone marrow test done next Tuesday. Then one month ago, I discovered a painful lump on my leg. Then, I got the flu shot. One week later, my hands and feet started to get really painful and more painful lumps appeared by the day. Now, one month later here I sit in my hospital bed, stumping the doctors as to what on earth is going on with me. I have strange lumps all over, which I have now been told are definitely not lymph nodes (although a few other doctors said they were). I have had a lot of general pain everywhere, but especially in my legs, which I would describe as a deep aching feeling, although sometimes the pain shoots down my leg and pulsates.I have strange bruises on my legs. I have a constant headache, and pain in my neck and chest when I breathe. My blood pressure has been generally low (107/58), and my pulse has been high every time(100-124). I also have a very tender stomach, even though my appetite is still good. I have a weird sensation of my body shaking (on the inside), even though lots of times I’m not physically shaking. I am exhausted beyond belief. There are just so many strange things going on, the doctors are stumped but they know something is up. It took us several trips to the doctor and a few trips to the E.R. to finally get here. At times I felt like I was going crazy, seeing doctor after doctor, trying to explain how I was feeling, but I just knew something was wrong so I kept being persistent. At least now they are taking me seriously (especially with my wonky blood pressure and pulse and lumps) and they are trying to figure out the cause of all this.

What’s happening right now? I am on a wackload of medications. I’m on a corticosteroid for inflammation in case it’s an automimmune problem. I’m on a bunch of pills for my stomach pain. I’m also on pain medication and anti-virals. So far I am not on antibiotics, but there was mention of possibly starting some in the next while. I have a heart monitor hooked up to constantly monitor my pulse. They are doing a CT scan of my stomach probably on Monday and specifically want to check out my adrenal glands. I’ve had blood taken more times than I can count. When I talked to the doctor today (an internist specialist), she said I’m probably going to be here for awhile. She said she doesn’t know what’s going on, but it’s weird. She said it could be my heart, my thyroid, my adrenal glands, or a weird virus; it could possibly have been the flu shot. On Wednesday night they were worried it could be something like leuekemia since my white blood cells were high. However, my last cbc was normal, so that lessened the likelihood of it being leukemia. Being here for the next few days means that I won’t be able to go up for my daughter’s bone marrow test on Monday. It is SO hard being away from her. I miss her like CRAZY. I miss my home like CRAZY. I miss our normal life like CRAZY. Thankfully, my husband has been able to visit me quite a bit since we have family willing to look after our daughter during a lot of the day. But when he’s gone I miss him like CRAZY too. This is so hard on him, too. It’s next to impossible for him to work since he’s under so much stress with what’s going on with his daughter and now wife. I am just desperate to get home and back to feeling like my usual self asap. Please pray they will figure out what’s wrong with me. Pray for my healing. I feel like I’m going crazy and I miss our normal life so much. Pray for my husband and strength to get through this awful time. Feel free to visit me if you want to. Unless I’m sleeping, I’m up for visitors most of the time.