Thoughts on Things

Today I am in a bit of a bloggy mood, so I am typing out a few of my "thoughts on things". How's that for lack of specificity? Consider this a journal-like post that I just feel like blogging instead of handwriting in a journal. Mostly because my hands hurt so much today that typing is less painful than handwriting. Yes, I know the previous sentence isn't really a sentence. And, no this will not be proof-read. And yes, this might go off on rabbit-trails, be long-winded and not make a whole lotta sense. Oh well. :-)

First of all, our daughter's bone marrow test is scheduled for November 16. She is getting routine blood work done tomorrow as well. Your continued prayers for her are so very much appreciated. She has so far stayed infection-free since this whole ordeal began, and other than her blood work and the occasional mouth sore, she is doing quite well.

I have been dealing with my own health issues as of late, so I decided to go to the walk-in clinic today just to see another doctor and get checked out again in case I have an infection of some sort. I also have another appointment with my family doctor later next week. Basically, I am experiencing pain in my joints, especially in my hands, wrists, and ankles, and now pretty much all-over. I have also had the occasional bout of weakness, which could be due to low blood pressure or blood sugar. My last routine blood test showed low blood sugar, which is a bit strange because I had eaten breakfast that morning. I am discovering strange lumps every day now, and likely what's going on is an inflammatory response to something. Both doctors I have seen so far are pretty sure the lumps in my legs are swollen lymph nodes (they are painful when pushed on), but the cause of them is unknown. I have had blood tests done to check for an infection, and today I also had blood work done to check for other things such as an auto-immune response and rheumatoid arthritis. Of course, I want to know if it could be cancer and the answer is "probably not" since I have the joint pain and the lumps feel like swollen, painful, lymph nodes.

I know a lot of people probably think this is stress-related, and they might be right. However, the truth is that the last week has not really been all that stressful, and emotionally and spiritually I am doing okay. I'm not depressed; I'm not even really sad. A few weeks ago I was in a lot worse shape emotionally and had bouts of crying nearly every day regarding my fears about my daughter's health, but this past week I've hardly cried at all and have felt so much peace about the whole situation. My personal opinion (of course, I'm not a doctor) is that perhaps the stress triggered something such as an auto-immune response. My mom has a lot of health issues and recently found out that she is gluten-intolerant. From what I know, an inflammatory response can sometimes be related to gluten-intolerance, and often the gluten-intolerance (although always there) will not cause any noticeable symptoms until something (such as stress) triggers the symptoms. I have my suspicions that maybe, just maybe, this is what's going on. Besides my recent joint pain and inflammation, I've always had issues with my skin and have had weird rashes occur and flare-up. I'm scheduled to see an allergy specialist in December.

Today, I am missing normal. I miss the way I used to feel (which was pretty good, physically). I miss being able to go out and about without a second thought. I miss being able to visit family and friends whenever we wanted to. I don't think I'm bitter about it or even really sad about. I just miss it. I guess part of me is a bit nervous that things may not ever be back to normal as we knew it. The other part of me feels ridiculous for feeling this way. I know that we still live a very comfortable life. I know there are so many people out there who have had "normal" changed for them forever in a tragic instant. I know there are people out there whose "normal" right now is having to watch their child slowly die. I know that there are millions and millions of people who do not have food to eat, clean water to drink, or a warm place to sleep. And that is why I feel so silly for feeling this way and for missing our former "normal". Because, really, our new normal is incredibly more comfortable than millions and millions of other people's "normal". Get what I'm trying to say?

A passage I've been considering lately:

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. ⁴ But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.James 1:2-8

Notice how the Bible does not just say to tolerate or "push through" or even just simply endure the trials. It says to count it as JOY! I cannot honestly say that I am at the place where I am counting it all joy, going through these trials. I think it's a difficult thing to not just endure the trials, but rather be joyful in the trials. I pray God will help me get to that place, but I am not there yet. I am in the "enduring" and "trusting" place, but I don't think I'm in the truly "joyful" place.

Here's the other thing I'm struggling with - the question Why? I have wondered if perhaps this is due to sin in our life. I know that sickness and such things can be caused by sinfulness. See James 3:13-16. I have searched my heart, and my husband and I have prayerfully considered this, confessed sins to each other and to God, and repented of the ones that the Lord has brought to mind. I have wondered if perhaps this is not sin-related but is only happening so that God's glory might be manifested. See John 9. I have also wondered if this is happening for no other reason than simply a test. See Job 1:1-12 and the above passage in James 1:2-3. Job's friends tried to convince him that he must be doing something wrong, and yet the Bible is clear that Job was not suffering because of wrong he had done. And yet, strangely enough, I feel like Job even typing this up - questioning when I really have no right to question and "uttering things I do not understand". In the book of Isaiah, God says "My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither are your ways my ways."

I suppose that is a good place to leave off at.